Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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