I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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