i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize