wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My ATM looks so different sober.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
