mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
