dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
