I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
3 2 1 whiskey
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
