so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
