how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize