You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
