dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
