It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
