My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
