It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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