i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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