Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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