I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize