My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i think i have two assholes
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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