my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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