I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize