Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
