i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
