if you like me you must not know who I am
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize