sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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