I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want nice things and good sex
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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