Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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