Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize