so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize