Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize