I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
