your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize