i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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