I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
