you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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