I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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