i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
