his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
