I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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