Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
