i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
