Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
