Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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