I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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