I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
