so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
