She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
