Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
