So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
