On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
