I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
