I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
