Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
