she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
