How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
