I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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