last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
