if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
