I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
