Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
