I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
false alarm, still single
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
