What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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