Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
