the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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