i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
