I look better un-naked...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
