Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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