did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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