another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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