At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
did i walk over a car last night?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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