Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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