just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize