I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
