You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
