can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
